Divorce: The Step Parent You Hate Needs To Be Friends With Your Child

Adjusting to life after divorce can be especially challenging when there are children. Parents do not always feel comfortable with the new lover in their ex’s life. Some of their concerns may be unreasonable, and a failure to move on after the marriage is ended. However, some concerns are legitimate, and based on fear of the new person’s potential attitudes towards the ex and her kids.

Too often, the new lover is well aware that he is a replacement for the ex. Consequently, he is defensive and territorial about his place in his lover’s life. He is likely to insert himself in the lover’s interaction with her ex, and add to what is already a tense parenting relationship.

When the parents can’t deal with each other well, several things can happen. Kids can pit their parents against each other by lying or exaggerating about occurrences in their respective homes. Kids can easily sense any resentment brought on by the new lover, and use it to gain their other parent’s sympathy to meet their own ends. When the parents stop communicating with each other, their ability to parent effectively suffers.

The new person may seem more liberal and understanding to the child. After all, she is trying to become friends, and is likely to present herself as less authoritarian then the child’s other parent. In turn, the other parent feels left out in the cold, and helpless to control the child’s actions and attitudes. Teenagers, who already feel tied down and misunderstood are most vulnerable to any adult attempts to win their favor in this way.

Thus, it is important that the parents, and their new friends and lovers take care to understand the dynamics of their situation, and work together to keep the adults in control. These tips should help.

1. All of the adults must demand to be treated with courtesy and respect. Children should understand that bad manners are unacceptable, no matter how they feel towards the adult in question. This is not an invitation to physical violence on the adult’s part. However, stern reminders and firm consequences should result when the child is rude, mean or to use the common phrase, “snotty”. The child may not like being forced to be polite, but if the message is consistent, and the rewards for courtesy are greater than those for bad behavior, he will eventually accept the rules and be comfortable abiding by them.

2. The adults should enforce the child’s obligation to be courteous to each other, no matter how they actually feel. You may not like your partner’s new honey, and she may wish you’d get hit by a truck. However, using your kids to make this point is just cruel and stupid. It is never good for a child to feel unwelcome in his parent’s home.

If your son or daughter visits his other parent with the idea that he is being disloyal to you by being kind to the lover of the other, he will be under a lot of stress, and will not be as able to maintain a positive bond with the other parent. His visits will be viewed as necessary but dreadful interludes instead of the joyful, healthy occasions and times to share that they should be. It may be hard to keep your real feelings about your ex’s lover to yourself, but your child should feel that it is all right to get to know the new person, and be comfortable making friends with him.

3. The significant other should never have to discipline the child. He does not have to tolerate rude or nasty behavior, and has the right to respond accordingly. However, decisions and actions regarding the child’s schooling, friendships, or responsibilities, either in the home, school or church are best left to his parents. The parent and her partner should discuss their expectations privately, and the parent should enforce the rules decided upon. The new partner should not have to rear the child, and there will be much less family tension if he is not forced to do so.

If the adults handle the situation in a mature and responsible manner, the family dynamics will change when a new lover enters the picture, but the change does not have to be traumatic for the children. Kids must be free to develop their own relationships with adults, as long as their parents are there to protect them from being victims. They should be encouraged to take each person on her own merits, including the new lovers of parents the child would prefer to have to himself. He is more likely to be a welcome addition to the new adult’s life if he is courteous, respectful and cooperative, than he will be if he acts suspicious and hostile. It may be tempting to encourage a child to make the life of the ex who has hurt you help you pay her back by being difficult and unpleasant, but the child will suffer more than your spouse will if his attitude is bitter rather than open.

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Article Source: Divorce: The Step Parent You Hate Needs To Be Friends With Your Child

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No BS Divorce Strategies For Men

Original: Divorce Advice For Men